THE END OF ALL STRIFE
Because I know how sensitive you all are, how finely tuned into the pain of your fellow men, and how willing you are to do whatever you are informed it will take to make everyone feel at home here in These Untied States, I am taking the liberty to forward for your information and education these two articles from a leading scholar in the field of Things That Are An Abuse of White Privilege and That Really Torque Everyone With An Ounce of Sense. The author’s first article appeared in a not so recent issue of the Washington Post; most probably because The Onion had already gone to press. For those unfamiliar with it, The Washington Post is a newspaper whose supercilious, arrogant, haughty, conceited, disdainful, overbearing, pompous, condescending, superior, patronizing, imperious, proud, snobbish, snobby, smug, scornful, sneering, high and mighty, uppity, stuck-up, snotty, snot-nosed…in other words liberal…point of view is second in loathsomeness only to The New York Times. Here is the link to it:
The second article isn’t really an article. It is a link to a “teaser” of sorts to the author’s doctoral dissertation published by something called The American Studies Association; a kind of leftist organization made up of thin chested, chrome domed, watery eyed, thick lensed whiners and wheezers most famous, I guess, for boycotting Israeli academic institutions, and bringing that country to its knees. An organization devoted, it says, to studying America from the vantage point of those who work in “higher education”; a more evident example of an oxymoronic enterprise it would be hard to find if the dissertation in question here is typical of its work. The little abstract is only slightly more silly than the article in WaPo:
After reading them both, the only fault one can find is that it does not go far enough. Urging a ban on hoop skirts (which are hell in a crowded subway car) is small beer. We need to ban them of course; but along with them, in order that all manner of things will be well, we need to do away with a lot of other “southren” things. Such as, we should ban: sweet tea, barbecue, mint juleps, grits, fried chicken, chicken fried steak, biscuits and gravy, catfish in any form, pecan pie, bourbon, Kentucky, colonels, jambalaya, gumbo, jazz, shrimp, crawdads, Mississippi mud and parasols…just in case.
Oh yeah, live oaks, too and banjos and the color black.
Oops, I forgot, every word written by Faulkner, Percy, O’Connor, Williams, Twain and a few dozen others.
Then, and only then will Rodney King’s dream come true. And then, only, may we return to the good men may do saving baby seals, snail darters, rainbows, lollipops and right whales…and killing babies.
The Society for the Restoration of Civility, Respect and Good Behavior has announced today that along with the words war, breaking, shooting and other such incendiary words they are bringing suit in the Supreme Court to ban the use of these two words: I and Me. Stan Lee, spokesman for the group, told reporters early this morning as he was mopping the Washington Mall, that such words are intolerant and dangerous; as are the words intolerant and dangerous. “In the world to come, everyone will be the same,” said Mr. Lee. “There will be no need for such privilege seeking words as the personal pronouns. We and Us are the only words which will be necessary, and approved.”
When asked for an example of a word that SRCRGB could approve in all circumstances he replied, “Tea.” He explained that “tea” is the only word in any language which should not be banned, with the possible exception of an unpronounceable word in Tlingit which means “Do you want ice with that?” Mr. Lee excused himself at that point saying he was still several hundred yards short of the Washington Monument, and must get the mopping done before the tourists showed up. We stood watching as he mopped away,stopping every few feet to bend and scrape up a wad of gum from the ground.
I understand that the SRCRGB has added “incendiary” and “silly” to its list of “words which must never be spoken”.