The news is not good!
The News? I speak of the recent story out of Texas where Long Necks, slim, tall blondes in skimpy dress, football and rough riding in a 50,000 dollar prettified version of an old farm wagon down a six lane super highway wearing your 2,000 dollar Armani suit and your 1,000 dollar Tony Lama’s are the real American dream. You know what I mean, about the news that is. It is the sad depressing story about the young man, perhaps a culinary arts student, who went about a day or so ago slicing bits from the bodies of students on a campus down there, not far from homes where the buffalo roam; or did, once.
But, there is hope. Our Dear Leader, the Naked Emperor, Barry the Great, has activated the most stupid man in the world to oversee the nation’s response to this latest tragic assault on our safety. The Vice President Joe Biden, a direct descendant of The Village Idiot, only now he is a nation’s, has begun to look seriously into this problem of “knife violence”.
Vice President Biden, in Fat Lip, NM, yesterday to speak at a conference of law enforcement officials who are in favor of gun control and SSM addressed the press after the morning session during which he was photographed patting the knee of Sheriff Homer Slump:
“The president phoned me today after he had received news of the latest attack by someone on our campuses and told me that he wanted me to form a task force immediatly to see what the nation must do to meet this growing threat from violent and disturbed people who have access to dangerous weapons.
I am well aware that knives are too easily available in this country, and we must do something, and do it quickly, to get this problem under control before more lives are lost, more innocent people are terrorized. I just found out that there are knives in every kitchen, restaurant, college cafeteria and school lunch room in this country. We even have knives in our prisons. Anyone who wants one can get one. Even Boy Scouts have them. When I get back to Washington I will introduce a law in Congress, which I fuly expect to pass, that all knives be registered and strictly monitored. We should especially ban serrated steak knives. Have you ever eaten a juicy porterhouse? Just think of the damage you are doing, ripping through that piece of meat, and then think of someone doing the same thing to you with your serrated knife. What have we turned ourselves into?? Sharks?? Come on America. Who are we kidding?
In a related development PETA has asked that fishing knives be banned, too, since countless numbers of fish each year are gutted and fileted in a most horrible manner. PETA Southwest Director, Candace-Merrie Loupee, said “Fish have no one to speak up for them except PETA. I was a good Catholic girl until I became aware of how much my faith contributed to the death of billions of helpless fish; a horrible death, hooked, cut and cooked. If we don’t hang, draw and quarter felons anymore, why do we still do the same to innocent fish? If a religion can teach you to kill something and eat it, what good does it do?” Not receiving an answer from her audience, Ms. Loupee left the stage in tears. PETA spokesperson Lavinia Bittthink said, “Think about it.”
Contacted later and asked whether or not PETA would have a place at the table while considerations are undertaken and decisions are made concerning the danger of so many knives in the hands of unstable citizens, Biden, speaking this time from a Vegan restaurant where he was enjoying a plate of steamed broccoli and mango stew, said his advisors had also recommended that “Those four sharp teeth we all have should be strictly controlled, if not removed. You know the ones I’m talking about,” he added, showing his pearly whites in a broad grimace or grin. “For safety’s sake, they gotta go.”
He went on to say that he had read the latest figures on aged people and infants, people who are fitted with stomach tubes, and they do quite well on regular servinbgs of gray gruel. “Sharp teeth for biting may have been useful when we were swinging through the trees someplace in Africa. Who knows, maybe Africans still do that, but we don’t do it here in this country any more, nor should we. I don’t see a need for any of those teeth in a civilized society such as we have here.
I am going to propose that all eight incisors, in fact all teeth, be removed until we can figure out how to squiggle around with our genome and cut them out altogether. There’s nothing wrong with everyone going on the tube once they’re finished with Gerber’s. Hell’ we can fill up our guts while we fill up with gas. That’s gonna be my slogan, you know: Fill Up Both Tanks!”